Kevin McCarthy Enters Rehab After Admitting Struggles With Nouns, Verbs

House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy. (photo: Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

09 October 15

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

ouse Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy has entered rehab to deal with his “struggles with nouns and verbs,” an aide to the congressman has confirmed.

According to the aide, McCarthy abruptly dropped out of the race for Speaker of the House because his difficulties with those two parts of speech had “spiralled out of control.”

“There was an intervention, in which people who care about the congressman sat him down and showed him video of himself talking,” the aide said. “He agreed that he needed help, although it took people awhile to realize that’s what he was trying to say.”

A source familiar with McCarthy’s struggles, however, cast doubt on that official story. “It’s not just nouns and verbs,” the source said. “It’s adjectives, adverbs, and pronouns. Kevin’s going to be in rehab for awhile.”

In a brief statement to reporters, McCarthy offered a blunt assessment of his situation. “It bad,” he said. “But soon it be less badder.”

 

Pope Met With People Who Refuse to Do Jobs

Pope Francis. (photo: Christopher Furlong/Getty Images)

By Andy Borowitz, New Yorker

03 October 15

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

he Vatican has confirmed that while Pope Francis was in Washington, he had meetings with people who refuse to do their jobs.

The Pope met privately with the Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, and also met at the U.S. Capitol with several hundred other people who have chosen not to perform their duties, the Vatican said.

“Reporting every day to a job that one has no intention of doing can only fill one with anguish,” the official Vatican statement read. “The Pope wanted to show these people compassion.”

While in Washington, the Pope had hoped to meet with thousands of additional people who do not do their jobs, but there “wasn’t enough time,” the Vatican said.

Pope meets with sex-abuse victims, promises accountability

Sep 27th 2015 10:31AM

PHILADELPHIA (AP) — Pope Francis met with victims of child sexual abuse Sunday on the final day of his U.S. visit and promised to hold accountable those responsible for the scandal in the church, delivering a powerful warning to American bishops accused of covering up for pedophile priests instead of reporting them to police.
The pontiff disclosed the gesture of reconciliation at the start of a meeting with American bishops gathered in Philadelphia for a big rally on Catholic families.
But in a move that signaled a new effort by the church to redirect the discussion, the Vatican said not all five of the victims were abused by members of the clergy; some of the three women and two men had been victimized by family members or educators.

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NEW YORK, NY - SEPTEMBER 24: Pope Francis paraphernalia is sold in Times Square on September 24, 2015 in New York City. The Pope will speak tonight at St. Patrick's Cathedral; he is scheduled to land at John F. Kennedy Airport at 5P.M. this evening. (Photo by Andrew Burton/Getty Images)

Francis praised the victims as "true heralds of mercy" who deserve the church's gratitude for their "essential contribution" toward establishing the truth. Saying sex abuse in the church can no longer be kept a secret, he promised to "zealously" protect young people and see that "all those responsible are held accountable."
The pope has agreed to create a new Vatican tribunal to prosecute bishops who failed to protect their flock by covering up for pedophile priests.
It was his second such meeting: Last summer he met at the Vatican with a group of victims of child-molesting priests.
But Francis and U.S. bishops have also argued that child molestation is a serious problem beyond the church, especially within families and in schools. The pope's meeting with victims abused by people other than priests underscored that point.
The Archdiocese of Philadelphia has been hit hard by the scandal and has been the subject of repeated grand jury investigations, including one that accused it keeping on assignment more than three dozen priests facing serious abuse accusations. A monsignor was found guilty of endangering children by not removing pedophile priests, becoming the first American church official convicted of such an offense.
Victims' groups had complained earlier in the week that Francis had neglected to address their plight when he congratulated bishops for their "courageous" and generous response to the scandal. Sunday's meeting took place a day after the pope celebrated Mass with Justin Rigali, the cardinal who was archbishop in Philadelphia when the archdiocese was accused of sheltering pedophiles.
22See more from the pope's visit to the United States below:

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• • Pope Francis celebrates high Mass at Madison Square Garden, Friday, Sept 25, 2015, in New York. (Alejandra Villa/Newsday via AP, Pool)

The Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Federico Lombardi, said the pope met with the survivors for a half-hour at the San Carlo Borromeo seminary. He said the pope prayed with them, listened to their stories and expressed his closeness in their suffering and his "pain and shame" in the case of those abused by priests.
"He renewed his commitment and that of the church so that victims are heard and treated with justice, that the guilty are punished and that the crimes of abuse are fought with efficient prevention efforts in the church and society," Lombardi said in a statement. "The pope thanked the victims for their essential contribution to establish the truth and begin the path of healing."
Later Sunday, Francis was scheduled to visit a prison and celebrate a final Mass on U.S. soil on Philadelphia's grandest boulevard, the Benjamin Franklin Parkway.
Organizers said they expected 1 million people to turn out. But there were fears that the extraordinary security — including airport-style bag searches, crowd-control cattle chutes and blocked-off streets — would scare away many.
Roman Catholics from across the country and around the world began making the trek to the Mass hours ahead, crossing bridges on foot and packing subway cars.
At Curran-Fromhold Correctional Facility, Francis planned to visit with 100 inmates, including suspected killers, rapists and mobsters. He was expected to offer them words of hope, forgiveness and redemption.
"His mission is the marginalized, the forgotten," prison spokeswoman Shawn Hawes said. "From our understanding, he wants those who are in custody to know that they are not forgotten and they can be redeemed."
Prison ministry has been a hallmark of Francis' pontificate. He meets often with inmates and has washed prisoners' feet during pre-Easter rituals. He opposes the death penalty in all circumstances and has called for the abolition of life imprisonment and solitary confinement.
On Saturday night, Francis was cheered by tens of thousands at a music-and-prayer festival on the Parkway, waving to the crowd in his open-air popemobile. Performers included Aretha Franklin and Andrea Bocelli.
He called families a "factory of hope," even with their imperfections.
"Defend the family, because that's where our future will play out," he said.
Thomas Coorey, a dentist and father of four visiting Philadelphia from Sydney, called Francis "the most inspirational and amazing pope that could breathe life into this church of mine. And I'm so grateful to have a leader like him who's so humble and such a true servant of God."
It's been a common sentiment throughout the pope's visit to Washington, New York and Philadelphia.
"It's the wave. It's the smile," said Tom Hambrose, 52, of Haddon Heights, New Jersey, attending the Festival of Families on Saturday night. "It's what he's articulating, that the church needs to step forward and needs to change its thinking about things."

Pope Francis meets Fidel Castro

By Bruce Golding

September 20, 2015 | 2:37pm

Modal Trigger

Pope Francis and Cuba's Fidel Castro shakes hands, in Havana, Cuba. Photo: AP

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Pope Francis met with ex-Cuban leader Fidel Castro after celebrating Mass for tens of thousands of people in Havana’s Revolutionary Square on Sunday.
A Vatican spokesman said the pontiff and the die-hard communist had an informal conversation during their half-hour sit-down at Castro’s home.
Castro’s children and grandchildren were also present for the meeting, at which Francis and Castro exchanged gifts of books about religion.
The pope brought a book written by a Jesuit priest who taught Francis at the Catholic school he attended as a kid, while Castro gave Francis a volume of his talks with Brazilian monk and political activist Frei Betto, Vatican spokesman the Rev. Federico Lombardi said.
Earlier, Francis delivered a homily that criticized both political ideology and “elitism” in the same square where Cubans celebrate May Day beneath massive portraits of revolutionary leaders Ernesto “Che” Guevara and Camilo Cienfuegos.
“Service is never ideological for we do not serve ideas, we serve people,” the pope said.
Francis also blasted “those who climb the ladder most quickly to take the jobs which carry certain benefits.”
Those in attendance included Castro’s younger brother, Cuban President Raul Castro, who succeeded Fidel in 2008.
A giant poster of Jesus Christ was hung nearby to welcome the pope, and cops kept away protesters and blocked others from apparently attempting to hand out flyers near the plaza.
Fidel Castro had previously met pope John Paul II at the Vatican in 1996 and on three occasions when he visited Cuba in 1998.
He also met pope Benedict XVI when he visited Cuba in 2012.
After decades of hostility between Castro’s communist regime and the Catholic Church, relations have slowly improved since the mid-1980s, with John Paul II’s historic visit playing a key role.
With Post wire services

Pope Francis Celebrates Mass in Havana's Revolution Square

News

Sep 20 2015, 9:09 am ET

by Reuters

Pope Francis celebrated Mass with tens of thousands of Cubans on Sunday in Havana's Revolution Square, the political heart of Cuba where the Communist government stages its biggest rallies.
The huge plaza is where Cubans celebrate May Day beneath massive portraits of revolutionary leaders Ernesto "Che" Guevara and Camilo Cienfuegos built into the facades of state buildings. To welcome the pope, a similarly giant poster of Jesus Christ was hung nearby.
"Francis has come to bless this new union between Cuba and the United States," said tourism worker Enrique Mesa, 32, on his way to the Mass, in a reference to the recent Cuba-U.S. rapprochement that Francis helped bring about.
While Cuba's government basks in the glow of the pope's four-day visit, he may use the stage to criticize the Communist leaders on democracy and human rights. He is expected to visit retired leader Fidel Castro, 89, later on Sunday.
Arriving on Saturday, Francis exhorted Cuba and the United States to deepen their detente, and encouraged Cuba to grant more freedom to the Roman Catholic Church, which has re-emerged as a powerful force after suffering decades of repression.
"His visit is cause for hope in our aspirations for improvement," said biologist Benito Espinoza, 41, at Revolution Square, where some arrived as early as 3 a.m. "We are an optimistic people, but we have suffered for many years."
The first Latin American pope, Francis will speak to Cubans in their common mother tongue of Spanish.

Reuters

Topics Religion

First Published Sep 20 2015, 9:09 am ET

Man Asks Trump: ‘When Can We Get Rid’ Of All The Muslims In America? His Answer Was Horrifying.

What Language Experts Find So Strange About Donald Trump

Politics

by Judd Legum Sep 17, 2015 8:20pm

CREDIT: AP

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For several months, Donald Trump has campaigned for president by largely ignoring traditional notions of decency. Thursday night, however, things reached a new low.
At a Trump campaign rally in Rochester, New Hampshire a man in a “Trump” shirt took the microphone and said, “We have a problem in this country. It’s called Muslims.”
“We know our current President is one,” he added. “You know he’s not even an American.”
“We need this question,” Trump replied, smiling.
Then things turned even darker, as the man discussed his beliefs that Muslims were in training camps plotting to kill.
“That’s my question. When can we get rid of ‘em?” the man said.
Trump was unfazed at the casual suggestion of cultural genocide. “We are going to be looking at a lot of different things. A lot of people saying that,” Trump said.
Notably, Trump did not correct or object to the man’s false characterization of Obama as a Muslim.
Trump also did not dispute the man’s contention that Obama was not an American. Trump has been one of the most prominent “birthers,” insisting that Obama’s birth certificate from Hawaii was faked.
In 2008, a woman at a John McCain event insisted that Obama was “an Arab.” “No ma’am,” McCain replied. “He’s a decent, family man, citizen that I just happen to have disagreements with on fundamental issues.”
Trump currently leads the GOP field by 10 points.

Millions Watch American Democracy's Final Episode

A photo from last night's Republican debate at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. (photo: Getty)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

17 September 15

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

merican democracy, a long-running institution whose popularity endured for over two hundred years, drew millions of viewers to its final episode Wednesday night.

While the official ratings for democracy’s finale will not be available until Thursday, initial reports indicated that a larger than expected number tuned in to witness the last moments of the nation’s system of government.

Network executives had warned that the final episode was not for the squeamish, but many viewers were still shocked by how dark and apocalyptic it turned out to be.

One reviewer, calling the finale a “shattering conclusion,” wrote, “For casual fans of American democracy who weren’t paying much attention to it lately, what they saw in Wednesday’s episode must have come as a shock: a cast of characters who were thoroughly unlikable, unappealing, and, in the end, totally unredeemed.”

Still, based on the strong ratings for Wednesday’s episode, network executives decided to “supersize” democracy’s death throes by scheduling a dozen additional episodes between now and November, 2016.

In the words of one executive, “American democracy is not as popular as it once was, but a lot of people still want to see how it ends.”

Donald Trump Gets Earful in Spanish as Latino Outlets Air Disdain

By ASHLEY PARKERAUG. 26, 2015

Election 2016 By MICHAEL LESTER 2:02

Trump’s Troubles With Hispanic TV Journalists

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Trump’s Troubles With Hispanic TV Journalists

From the beginning, Spanish-language TV has been covering Donald J. Trump’s presidential campaign more critically than the mainstream news media, especially after his remarks on immigrants.

By MICHAEL LESTER on Publish Date August 26, 2015. Photo by Bryan Thomas for The New York Times. Watch in Times Video »

Spreading the Word

Commencement Address           

Master of Professional Studies Degree

New York Theological Seminary

Sing Sing Correctional Facility

Ossining, New York                                                                                                June 10, 2015

by Daniel Rose

Congratulations, Masters!

You are heroes, you are role models, you are demonstrations of what a 21^st century educational program can achieve for the incarcerated.
   The self-disciplined, clearly-focused effort you have shown in academic classes three hours a day, five days a week – along with afternoon study and 15 hours per week of volunteer work in evening service to other prisoners – have prepared you, when you eventually re-enter the outside world, for lives of service to society that will be fulfilling and productive for you and your families.
   Your example will encourage others to follow in your footsteps and will convince sceptics that lives can change and that spiritual, intellectual and moral values can be strengthened.

   The ZERO rate of recidivism of your academic predecessors in the Theological Seminary’s Sing Sing program over the past five years, versus the 40% recidivism rate of all New York State former prisoners and some two thirds nationally, should convince the most penny-pinching doubter that effective prison education does not “cost” but “pays.” Your eventual higher employment rates, higher incomes and the higher taxes you will pay recall the famous economic studies of the post-World War II G. I. Bill. Research revealed that to be the federal government’s best investment since the Louisiana Purchase or the acquisition of Alaska. Rand Corporation studies show that each dollar invested in successful prison education reduces incarceration costs by $4 to $5.
   The transforming experience of the unique program of Professional Studies you have undergone at this “uptown branch” of the New York Theological Seminary should encourage other institutions to embark on similar demanding and ambitious activities and, we hope, will persuade legislators, churches, foundations and private individuals to provide the necessary funding.
   This formidable program, which since its inception in 1982 has served more than 350 graduates, receives no government funds; and students pay no tuition. What a huge “bang for the buck” for all contributions!
   Your success in the years ahead will also stimulate the long overdue reconsideration of America’s criminal justice system compared to those of other advanced nations. The U.S. has 751 people incarcerated for each 100,000 in population, while England has 151 per 100,000; Germany has 88 and Japan has 63. Imprisonment rates have little relation to crime rates or to national well-being.
   While other advanced countries focus on prevention of crime and rehabilitation of perpetrators, only the U.S. is obsessed with punishment and isolation. Other advanced nations differentiate between the bulk of the incarcerated and those – like seriously mentally disturbed or hardened career criminals – who are in separate facilities.
    Throughout Europe, for example, the majority of prisoners are exposed to educational and/or vocational training programs designed to help them eventually re-enter society successfully. International recidivism rates tell the story. The recidivism rate of Norway, for example, with the best prison system, is 20%, a fraction of ours.
   America’s criminal justice practices can evolve over time, if an informed citizenry demands it. Neither optimism nor pessimism is called for, only the realism reflected in an effective campaign to increase public awareness, echoing the insight of Supreme Court Justice Anthony M. Kennedy, who says, “Our resources are misspent, our punishments are too severe, our sentences too long.”
   Former Attorney General Nicholas deB. Katzenbach wrote, in a report for the Vera Institute of Justice, “America’s prisons are dangerously over-crowded, unnecessarily violent, excessively reliant on physical segregation, breeding grounds of infectious 
 diseases, lacking in meaningful programs for inmates and staffed by underpaid and undertrained guards in a culture that promotes abuse.” Friends, we must spread the word. What you are achieving here at Sing Sing can help change our nation!
   As you receive your degrees, let me raise one other significant point. Politicians pay more attention to those who do vote than to those who do not, and your voices and those of your families should be heard on two important issues: “felon disenfranchisement” and the role of the private, for-profit prison industry.
   Voting restrictions are a state-by-state issue, with some states like Vermont and Maine removing all limitations, while others make them permanent. National opinion is increasingly in favor of political liberalization and for the restoration to the formerly incarcerated of economic, social and education opportunities such as Pell grants; and this should be encouraged.
   The private, for-profit prison industry today runs 130 private prisons containing 157,000 beds, with some 6% of all state prisoners and 16% of federal prisoners. They take in some $4 billion a year, with great profits. And they spend millions a year lobbying fiercely in support of candidates who favor longer minimum mandatory sentences, stricter anti-parole regulations, more and longer imprisonment of anyone for any reason. Where do you stand? Your voices, and those of your families and friends, must be heard!
   In closing, let me reinforce two key messages that the Theological Seminary has tried to convey to you. You are seen by the outside world as thoughtful, caring, educated individuals, and you should consider your activities – whether in the ministry, teaching or social work – not as a job, but as a vocation – a “calling” to grow to your full height and to be all that you can be.
   And should you seek an appropriate thought from Scripture, let it be your personal answer to the biblical question, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
   We are all our brothers’ keepers; and we should not rest until our flawed prison system is reformed.

Thank you.

Trump Reignites Feud with Fox News Host Megyn Kelly

Fox Chief Roger Ailes Demands Apology From Trump over Twitter Tirade The feud between Donald Trump and Fox News reignited Tuesday after the GOP frontrunner took a swipe at host Megyn Kelly on Twitter and retweeted others who called her a "bimbo" and "a waste." Learn More

Donald Trump. (photo: Mark Wallheiser/Getty)

Twenty Thousand Considered Disappointing Turnout for Racist Event in Alabama

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

22 August 15

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

rally featuring a racist speaker Friday night in Mobile attracted a crowd of just twenty thousand people, widely considered a disappointing turnout for a racist event in Alabama.

According to racist event planners in the state, a crowd of twenty thousand would rank the event as one of the smaller racist rallies in Alabama this year.

Organizers of the rally were quick to defend the size of the turnout. “There is always a lot of competition for the racist audience in Alabama,” an aide to the speaker said. “There were other racists speaking at other venues in the state Friday night. Plus, a lot of racists now prefer to stay at home and stream racist content on the Internet. Given all the options available to racists, I think twenty thousand is a solid number.”

Harland Dorrinson, a longtime racist event planner in Alabama, disagreed, claiming that the size of the crowd was more reminiscent of non-racist events in the state. “You go around spewing hatred every chance you get, and then you only draw twenty thousand in Alabama?” he said. “The people who organized this event need to sit down and figure out what went wrong.”

 

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