Monday, November 9, 2015

Jeb Quits Race With "Mission Accomplished" Banner

Jeb Bush. (photo: Reuters)
Jeb Bush. (photo: Reuters)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker
30 October 15
The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

ormer Florida Governor Jeb Bush announced that he was dropping out of the race for the Republican Presidential nomination, while standing in front of a “Mission Accomplished” banner draped over the façade of his campaign headquarters, in Miami.
Speaking to his remaining staff members who were seated in a dozen folding chairs, Bush thanked them for the hard work that led to the triumphant completion of their mission.
“Our work is done,” Bush said. “Thanks to you, we have prevailed.”
While acknowledging that he took pride in the impressive success of his campaign, Bush stressed that victory did not belong to him alone. “This is a great day for America,” he said.
Upon the conclusion of his remarks, Bush bade farewell to his staffers with a military-style salute before stepping into a waiting helicopter and ascending to the skies.
Minutes after Bush flew away, however, reporters asked senior Bush staffers to define more clearly the mission that Bush had deemed accomplished.
“We feel really good about the work we did, our ground game, getting the word out about Jeb’s accomplishments as a conservative Governor in Florida,” said Bush’s campaign manager, Danny Diaz, who added, “Please, just leave me alone.”

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Billionaire Acquires Rubio Pending Physical

Senator Marco Rubio. (photo:
Senator Marco Rubio. (photo:

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker
01 November 15
The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."
n the biggest free-agency acquisition of the 2016 Presidential contest, the billionaire investor Paul Singer has acquired Florida senator Marco Rubio for a rumored eight-figure sum, pending a physical.
Just hours after the deal was inked, Rubio was flown by private jet to Singer’s training facility in East Hampton, where the senator will submit to a series of gruelling drills before the deal is finalized.
“We are making a four-year deal with Marco, with an option for another four,” an associate of Singer’s said. “We like what we’ve seen of him on tape, but we want to be sure that he has what it takes to go the distance.”
According to those familiar with Singer’s physical workouts for political candidates, Rubio will submit to a number of demanding tests, in which the billionaire will bark commands and the senator will be measured for his reaction times and accuracy.
“You have to be in peak condition for these workouts,” the associate said. “Jeb got totally winded.”
Arriving at Singer’s training camp, Rubio said he was “excited and honored” to be a part of the Singer organization.
“I talked to a lot of other billionaires,” he told reporters. “Sheldon Adelson, and the Koch brothers, of course. But at the end of the day Mr. Singer’s scheme was the best fit. I’m looking forward to earning every dollar he paid for me.”


Eva Moskowitz, the CEO of the Success Academy Charter Schools, has become the nation’s most outspoken champions of suspending students.

Dear Rafael,

Right now the school-to-prison pipeline is one of the biggest issues facing our youth, especially Black, Latino, LGBTQ, and students with disabilities. Suspensions mean lost schooling for children and increased dropout rates, something that parents, researchers, and the Obama Administration have acknowledged directly fuel the school-to-prison pipeline.
This is why we’re firm in our support for Fatima Geidi, a mother who has started this petition “Tell the U.S. Department of Education to Stop Funding the Kindergarten to Prison Pipeline.” She’s bravely started this petition in order to bring necessary attention to the "zero tolerance" disciplinary codes that many charter schools practice nationwide, and that her own child suffered the brunt of in New York City’s Success Academy Charter Network.

More than 5,000 have already signed. Join them in ending funding to schools that suspend our youngest students.

Eva Moskowitz, the CEO of the Success Academy Charter Schools, has become the nation’s most outspoken champions of suspending students. Bragging on suspending 5-year-olds, and claiming that it is best to "start them young," she was recently exposed for having a “Got to Go” list of students one of her schools deemed unfit. These students were repeatedly suspended until parents felt forced to remove them. Just last year one of her schools issued 44 out-of-school suspensions to just 203 kindergarteners and first graders. Her aggressive suspension policies criminalizes Black and Latino students.

Tell Arne Duncan to stop Eva Moskowitz’s  “Got to Go” hit list.
If the Federal Government wants to stop the school-to-prison pipeline, it should take back the $13.4 million it budgeted for Success Academy this year alone.

Please join us in supporting Fatima to fight back against the injustices done against her son, and the injustice of the national government funding Success Academy and the school-to-prison pipeline.

Sign the petition to ask Secretary Duncan to conduct a civil rights investigation into this schools practices and withhold any further federal funding until these practices are removed!

In solidarity,
Zakiyah Ansari
Advocacy Director of the Alliance for Quality Education
Ben Carson.  (photo: Justin Sullivan/Getty)
Ben Carson. (photo: Justin Sullivan/Getty)

Carson Plummets in Polls Amid Reports He Did Not Stab Anyone

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker
06 November 15
The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

ew reports indicating that Ben Carson might not have actually stabbed anyone during his youth have sent the retired neurosurgeon plummeting in the latest Republican Presidential polls.
Carson supporters, reeling from the news that their candidate’s past might have been devoid of stabbing, have deserted his candidacy in droves, suggesting that Republican voters viewed Carson’s stabbing as a key part of his résumé.
Indeed, a recent University of Minnesota poll showed that a full third of Carson supporters singled out “his stabbing experience” as a top reason for supporting him for the nation’s highest office.
In Iowa, where Carson was the front-runner before the non-stabbing bombshell hit, voters like Carol Foyler, of Des Moines, expressed dismay and disillusionment that the retired doctor might have fabricated his stabbing exploits to make himself more appealing to Republican voters.
“I was on the fence about Ben Carson, but the stabbing thing really won me over,” she said. “Now, I don’t know what to think.”



Mayor de Blasio, Amid Criticism, Tries to Keep Press Under Control

City Hall reporters object to restrictions on what questions can be asked.

"Tensions with the media are nothing new for Mr. de Blasio, and allies say he remains deeply frustrated with the press coverage he has gotten, convinced that some news outlets are set on sinking his mayoralty. He has accused the New York City press corps of treating his predecessor, Mr. Bloomberg, with “kid gloves.”
In recent days, Mr. de Blasio has also raised concerns with his aides about leaks, frustrated that details of his private conversations have turned up in news reports, according to several people told of the discussions who requested anonymity to describe private conversations".

Bronx Pop-Up Art Show Prompts Criticism That It Invoked Borough’s Painful Past

A lavish party with burning trash cans and a sculpture made from bullet-riddled cars was denounced by the City Council speaker and others; organizers say it was intended to promote the area as hip.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Biden to Decide on 2016 Bid by Early 2017

Vice President Joe Biden. (photo: Sun Sentinel)
Vice President Joe Biden. (photo: Sun Sentinel)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker
17 October 15
The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."
ice-President Joe Biden will make a decision on whether to enter the 2016 Presidential race by early 2017, a close associate told supporters on Friday.
In an e-mail sent to potential donors, the former Senator Ted Kaufman, a longtime friend and confidant of the Vice-President, wrote that “Joe is still trying to sort things out,” but promised that his decision will come “no later than January, 2017.”
“Joe is trying to decide whether running for President is a good idea, or, conversely, whether it is a bad idea,” Kaufman wrote. “He is very grateful to all of you for your patience as he works through this process, and he promises that he’ll have big news for you by next January.”
“My message to you today is, hang in there,” he wrote.
Kaufman acknowledged that deciding to run for President a full two months after the election “would complicate Joe’s path to the White House,” but promised, “If, in January, Joe decides he’s in, he will be all in. And we hope you’ll be with him.”


Saturday, October 10, 2015

Kevin McCarthy Enters Rehab After Admitting Struggles With Nouns, Verbs

House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy. (photo: Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty)
House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy. (photo: Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker
09 October 15
The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

ouse Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy has entered rehab to deal with his “struggles with nouns and verbs,” an aide to the congressman has confirmed.
According to the aide, McCarthy abruptly dropped out of the race for Speaker of the House because his difficulties with those two parts of speech had “spiralled out of control.”
“There was an intervention, in which people who care about the congressman sat him down and showed him video of himself talking,” the aide said. “He agreed that he needed help, although it took people awhile to realize that’s what he was trying to say.”
A source familiar with McCarthy’s struggles, however, cast doubt on that official story. “It’s not just nouns and verbs,” the source said. “It’s adjectives, adverbs, and pronouns. Kevin’s going to be in rehab for awhile.”
In a brief statement to reporters, McCarthy offered a blunt assessment of his situation. “It bad,” he said. “But soon it be less badder.”

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Pope Met With People Who Refuse to Do Jobs

Pope Francis. (photo: Christopher Furlong/Getty Images)
Pope Francis. (photo: Christopher Furlong/Getty Images)

By Andy Borowitz, New Yorker
03 October 15
The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

he Vatican has confirmed that while Pope Francis was in Washington, he had meetings with people who refuse to do their jobs.
The Pope met privately with the Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, and also met at the U.S. Capitol with several hundred other people who have chosen not to perform their duties, the Vatican said.
“Reporting every day to a job that one has no intention of doing can only fill one with anguish,” the official Vatican statement read. “The Pope wanted to show these people compassion.”
While in Washington, the Pope had hoped to meet with thousands of additional people who do not do their jobs, but there “wasn’t enough time,” the Vatican said.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Pope meets with sex-abuse victims, promises accountability

PHILADELPHIA (AP) — Pope Francis met with victims of child sexual abuse Sunday on the final day of his U.S. visit and promised to hold accountable those responsible for the scandal in the church, delivering a powerful warning to American bishops accused of covering up for pedophile priests instead of reporting them to police.
The pontiff disclosed the gesture of reconciliation at the start of a meeting with American bishops gathered in Philadelphia for a big rally on Catholic families.
But in a move that signaled a new effort by the church to redirect the discussion, the Vatican said not all five of the victims were abused by members of the clergy; some of the three women and two men had been victimized by family members or educators.

See more of Philadelphia preparing for the pope's visit in the gallery below:

Francis praised the victims as "true heralds of mercy" who deserve the church's gratitude for their "essential contribution" toward establishing the truth. Saying sex abuse in the church can no longer be kept a secret, he promised to "zealously" protect young people and see that "all those responsible are held accountable."
The pope has agreed to create a new Vatican tribunal to prosecute bishops who failed to protect their flock by covering up for pedophile priests.
It was his second such meeting: Last summer he met at the Vatican with a group of victims of child-molesting priests.
But Francis and U.S. bishops have also argued that child molestation is a serious problem beyond the church, especially within families and in schools. The pope's meeting with victims abused by people other than priests underscored that point.
The Archdiocese of Philadelphia has been hit hard by the scandal and has been the subject of repeated grand jury investigations, including one that accused it keeping on assignment more than three dozen priests facing serious abuse accusations. A monsignor was found guilty of endangering children by not removing pedophile priests, becoming the first American church official convicted of such an offense.
Victims' groups had complained earlier in the week that Francis had neglected to address their plight when he congratulated bishops for their "courageous" and generous response to the scandal. Sunday's meeting took place a day after the pope celebrated Mass with Justin Rigali, the cardinal who was archbishop in Philadelphia when the archdiocese was accused of sheltering pedophiles.
22See more from the pope's visit to the United States below:

The Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Federico Lombardi, said the pope met with the survivors for a half-hour at the San Carlo Borromeo seminary. He said the pope prayed with them, listened to their stories and expressed his closeness in their suffering and his "pain and shame" in the case of those abused by priests.
"He renewed his commitment and that of the church so that victims are heard and treated with justice, that the guilty are punished and that the crimes of abuse are fought with efficient prevention efforts in the church and society," Lombardi said in a statement. "The pope thanked the victims for their essential contribution to establish the truth and begin the path of healing."
Later Sunday, Francis was scheduled to visit a prison and celebrate a final Mass on U.S. soil on Philadelphia's grandest boulevard, the Benjamin Franklin Parkway.
Organizers said they expected 1 million people to turn out. But there were fears that the extraordinary security — including airport-style bag searches, crowd-control cattle chutes and blocked-off streets — would scare away many.
Roman Catholics from across the country and around the world began making the trek to the Mass hours ahead, crossing bridges on foot and packing subway cars.
At Curran-Fromhold Correctional Facility, Francis planned to visit with 100 inmates, including suspected killers, rapists and mobsters. He was expected to offer them words of hope, forgiveness and redemption.
"His mission is the marginalized, the forgotten," prison spokeswoman Shawn Hawes said. "From our understanding, he wants those who are in custody to know that they are not forgotten and they can be redeemed."
Prison ministry has been a hallmark of Francis' pontificate. He meets often with inmates and has washed prisoners' feet during pre-Easter rituals. He opposes the death penalty in all circumstances and has called for the abolition of life imprisonment and solitary confinement.
On Saturday night, Francis was cheered by tens of thousands at a music-and-prayer festival on the Parkway, waving to the crowd in his open-air popemobile. Performers included Aretha Franklin and Andrea Bocelli.
He called families a "factory of hope," even with their imperfections.
"Defend the family, because that's where our future will play out," he said.
Thomas Coorey, a dentist and father of four visiting Philadelphia from Sydney, called Francis "the most inspirational and amazing pope that could breathe life into this church of mine. And I'm so grateful to have a leader like him who's so humble and such a true servant of God."
It's been a common sentiment throughout the pope's visit to Washington, New York and Philadelphia.
"It's the wave. It's the smile," said Tom Hambrose, 52, of Haddon Heights, New Jersey, attending the Festival of Families on Saturday night. "It's what he's articulating, that the church needs to step forward and needs to change its thinking about things."