WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the hopes of appealing to Republican primary voters, candidates for the 2016 Presidential nomination are working around the clock to unlearn everything that they have learned since the third grade, aides to the candidates have confirmed.
With the Iowa caucuses
less than a year away, the hopefuls are busy scrubbing their brains of
basic facts of math, science, and geography in an attempt to resemble
the semi-sentient beings that Republican primary voters prize.
An aide to Jeb Bush acknowledged that, for the former Florida governor, “The unlearning curve has been daunting.”
biggest strike against Jeb is that he graduated from college Phi Beta
Kappa,” the aide said. “It’s going to take a lot of work to get his
brain back to its factory settings.”
campaign of Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, the mood was considerably
more upbeat, as aides indicated that Walker’s ironclad façade of
ignorance is being polished to a high sheen.
fact that Scott instinctively says that he doesn’t know the answers to
even the easiest questions gives him an enormous leg up,” an aide said.
while some G.O.P. candidates are pulling all-nighters to rid themselves
of knowledge acquired when they were eight, the campaign of Rick Perry,
the former governor of Texas, is exuding a quiet confidence.
“I don’t want to sound too cocky about Rick,” said one Perry aide. “But what little he knows, he’s shown he can forget.”
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