June 13, 2013
HELL (The Borowitz Report)—Word that the News Corporation chief executive Rupert Murdoch has filed for divorce from his wife, Wendi Deng, came as a “total surprise” to longtime Murdoch confidant Satan, the Lord of the Underworld said today.
“I am totally blindsided by this,” Satan told reporters. “He and I talk every day.”
Citing his long history with the media titan,
the Hound of Hell said, “We go way back. I gave him the idea for Fox
News. I told him to hire Roger Ailes. That’s why this is such a shock.”
A frequent dining companion of the Murdochs, Satan said he “didn’t have a clue that they were having problems.”
“I’ve had dozens of dinners with them in the Hamptons,” he said. “Did they bicker? No more than other couples. But they seemed to be on the same page about all the important things, like creating corrupt media monopolies and buying politicians. I thought they were for keeps.”
Adding that he “cares deeply about his friends,” Satan said the news about the Murdochs had hit him especially hard: “I was just starting to get over the Putins.”
The Prince of Darkness said he first got word of the Murdoch divorce about an hour before the official announcement: “My banker at Goldman Sachs called and told me to sell my News Corp. stock right away.”
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Photograph by Matt Sayles/AP.
A frequent dining companion of the Murdochs, Satan said he “didn’t have a clue that they were having problems.”
“I’ve had dozens of dinners with them in the Hamptons,” he said. “Did they bicker? No more than other couples. But they seemed to be on the same page about all the important things, like creating corrupt media monopolies and buying politicians. I thought they were for keeps.”
Adding that he “cares deeply about his friends,” Satan said the news about the Murdochs had hit him especially hard: “I was just starting to get over the Putins.”
The Prince of Darkness said he first got word of the Murdoch divorce about an hour before the official announcement: “My banker at Goldman Sachs called and told me to sell my News Corp. stock right away.”
Get the Borowitz Report delivered to your inbox.
Photograph by Matt Sayles/AP.
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