Senator Marco Rubio. (photo: marcorubio.com)
01 November 15
The
article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New
York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column,
"The Borowitz Report." 
n
the biggest free-agency acquisition of the 2016 Presidential contest,
the billionaire investor Paul Singer has acquired Florida senator Marco
Rubio for a rumored eight-figure sum, pending a physical.
Just hours after the deal was inked, Rubio was flown
by private jet to Singer’s training facility in East Hampton, where the
senator will submit to a series of gruelling drills before the deal is
finalized.
“We are making a four-year deal with Marco, with an
option for another four,” an associate of Singer’s said. “We like what
we’ve seen of him on tape, but we want to be sure that he has what it
takes to go the distance.”
According to those familiar with Singer’s physical
workouts for political candidates, Rubio will submit to a number of
demanding tests, in which the billionaire will bark commands and the
senator will be measured for his reaction times and accuracy.
“You have to be in peak condition for these workouts,” the associate said. “Jeb got totally winded.”
Arriving at Singer’s training camp, Rubio said he was “excited and honored” to be a part of the Singer organization.
“I talked to a lot of other billionaires,” he told
reporters. “Sheldon Adelson, and the Koch brothers, of course. But at
the end of the day Mr. Singer’s scheme was the best fit. I’m looking
forward to earning every dollar he paid for me.”
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