French authorities released the name and picture Sunday for a suspect in the massacre that killed 129 people in the heart of the City of Lights.

Jeb Quits Race With "Mission Accomplished" Banner

Jeb Bush. (photo: Reuters)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

30 October 15

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

ormer Florida Governor Jeb Bush announced that he was dropping out of the race for the Republican Presidential nomination, while standing in front of a “Mission Accomplished” banner draped over the façade of his campaign headquarters, in Miami.

Speaking to his remaining staff members who were seated in a dozen folding chairs, Bush thanked them for the hard work that led to the triumphant completion of their mission.

“Our work is done,” Bush said. “Thanks to you, we have prevailed.”

While acknowledging that he took pride in the impressive success of his campaign, Bush stressed that victory did not belong to him alone. “This is a great day for America,” he said.

Upon the conclusion of his remarks, Bush bade farewell to his staffers with a military-style salute before stepping into a waiting helicopter and ascending to the skies.

Minutes after Bush flew away, however, reporters asked senior Bush staffers to define more clearly the mission that Bush had deemed accomplished.

“We feel really good about the work we did, our ground game, getting the word out about Jeb’s accomplishments as a conservative Governor in Florida,” said Bush’s campaign manager, Danny Diaz, who added, “Please, just leave me alone.”

 

Billionaire Acquires Rubio Pending Physical

Senator Marco Rubio. (photo: marcorubio.com)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

01 November 15

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

n the biggest free-agency acquisition of the 2016 Presidential contest, the billionaire investor Paul Singer has acquired Florida senator Marco Rubio for a rumored eight-figure sum, pending a physical.

Just hours after the deal was inked, Rubio was flown by private jet to Singer’s training facility in East Hampton, where the senator will submit to a series of gruelling drills before the deal is finalized.

“We are making a four-year deal with Marco, with an option for another four,” an associate of Singer’s said. “We like what we’ve seen of him on tape, but we want to be sure that he has what it takes to go the distance.”

According to those familiar with Singer’s physical workouts for political candidates, Rubio will submit to a number of demanding tests, in which the billionaire will bark commands and the senator will be measured for his reaction times and accuracy.

“You have to be in peak condition for these workouts,” the associate said. “Jeb got totally winded.”

Arriving at Singer’s training camp, Rubio said he was “excited and honored” to be a part of the Singer organization.

“I talked to a lot of other billionaires,” he told reporters. “Sheldon Adelson, and the Koch brothers, of course. But at the end of the day Mr. Singer’s scheme was the best fit. I’m looking forward to earning every dollar he paid for me.”

 

Eva Moskowitz, the CEO of the Success Academy Charter Schools, has become the nation’s most outspoken champions of suspending students.

Dear Rafael,

Right now the school-to-prison pipeline is one of the biggest issues facing our youth, especially Black, Latino, LGBTQ, and students with disabilities. Suspensions mean lost schooling for children and increased dropout rates, something that parents, researchers, and the Obama Administration have acknowledged directly fuel the school-to-prison pipeline.
 
This is why we’re firm in our support for Fatima Geidi, a mother who has started this petition “Tell the U.S. Department of Education to Stop Funding the Kindergarten to Prison Pipeline.” She’s bravely started this petition in order to bring necessary attention to the "zero tolerance" disciplinary codes that many charter schools practice nationwide, and that her own child suffered the brunt of in New York City’s Success Academy Charter Network.

More than 5,000 have already signed. Join them in ending funding to schools that suspend our youngest students.

Eva Moskowitz, the CEO of the Success Academy Charter Schools, has become the nation’s most outspoken champions of suspending students. Bragging on suspending 5-year-olds, and claiming that it is best to "start them young," she was recently exposed for having a “Got to Go” list of students one of her schools deemed unfit. These students were repeatedly suspended until parents felt forced to remove them. Just last year one of her schools issued 44 out-of-school suspensions to just 203 kindergarteners and first graders. Her aggressive suspension policies criminalizes Black and Latino students.

Tell Arne Duncan to stop Eva Moskowitz’s  “Got to Go” hit list.
 
If the Federal Government wants to stop the school-to-prison pipeline, it should take back the $13.4 million it budgeted for Success Academy this year alone.

Please join us in supporting Fatima to fight back against the injustices done against her son, and the injustice of the national government funding Success Academy and the school-to-prison pipeline.

Sign the petition to ask Secretary Duncan to conduct a civil rights investigation into this schools practices and withhold any further federal funding until these practices are removed!

In solidarity,
Zakiyah Ansari
Advocacy Director of the Alliance for Quality Education

Ben Carson. (photo: Justin Sullivan/Getty)

Carson Plummets in Polls Amid Reports He Did Not Stab Anyone

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

06 November 15

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

ew reports indicating that Ben Carson might not have actually stabbed anyone during his youth have sent the retired neurosurgeon plummeting in the latest Republican Presidential polls.

Carson supporters, reeling from the news that their candidate’s past might have been devoid of stabbing, have deserted his candidacy in droves, suggesting that Republican voters viewed Carson’s stabbing as a key part of his résumé.

Indeed, a recent University of Minnesota poll showed that a full third of Carson supporters singled out “his stabbing experience” as a top reason for supporting him for the nation’s highest office.

In Iowa, where Carson was the front-runner before the non-stabbing bombshell hit, voters like Carol Foyler, of Des Moines, expressed dismay and disillusionment that the retired doctor might have fabricated his stabbing exploits to make himself more appealing to Republican voters.

“I was on the fence about Ben Carson, but the stabbing thing really won me over,” she said. “Now, I don’t know what to think.”

 

Mayor de Blasio, Amid Criticism, Tries to Keep Press Under Control

By MICHAEL M. GRYNBAUM

City Hall reporters object to restrictions on what questions can be asked.

"Tensions with the media are nothing new for Mr. de Blasio, and allies say he remains deeply frustrated with the press coverage he has gotten, convinced that some news outlets are set on sinking his mayoralty. He has accused the New York City press corps of treating his predecessor, Mr. Bloomberg, with “kid gloves.”

In recent days, Mr. de Blasio has also raised concerns with his aides about leaks, frustrated that details of his private conversations have turned up in news reports, according to several people told of the discussions who requested anonymity to describe private conversations".

Bronx Pop-Up Art Show Prompts Criticism That It Invoked Borough’s Painful Past

By WINNIE HU

A lavish party with burning trash cans and a sculpture made from bullet-riddled cars was denounced by the City Council speaker and others; organizers say it was intended to promote the area as hip.