Thursday, February 13, 2014

Rand Paul: Hillary Could Be Derailed by Little-Known Lewinsky Affair

The Borowitz Report

February 11, 2014

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Potential Republican Presidential candidate Sen. Rand Paul (R-Kentucky) said today that he believes he has a “secret weapon” that will derail Hillary Clinton’s 2016 White House bid: “A little-known affair between her husband and a White House intern, Monica Lewinsky.”
Appearing on the Fox News Channel, Paul told the host Sean Hannity, “Sean, when the American people find out about this scandal, they are going to be shocked, truly shocked. It didn’t get a lot of coverage at the time.”
Asked by Hannity how the scandal could have remained under wraps for so long, Paul replied, “You’ll have to ask Bill and Hillary that. Let’s just say they’ve pulled a lot of strings to keep this story out of the mainstream media.”
“Unfortunately for them, Sean, I have the details on this juicy scandal and I’m prepared to share them with the American people,” he said. “I think it’s going to be a game-changer.”
While he believes that the shocking revelations about President Clinton’s Oval Office dalliances will be enough to destroy Hillary’s 2016 ambitions, Paul confirmed that he has other arrows in his quiver.
“It turns out that Hillary was involved in a business deal called Whitewater,” he said. “When the American people find out about this, it’s going to blow their minds.”

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The Borowitz Report

February 13, 2014

A Letter from Comcast and Time Warner Cable

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Dear subscribers,
Today, it was announced that Comcast is joining forces with Time Warner Cable in a friendly acquisition worth $45 billion. As we could have expected, many people are wondering what this transaction will mean to the service that you, our subscribers, will enjoy.
We know that all of your comments, however mean-spirited some of them may have been, have come from a good place: genuine concern about what this merger will mean for your future cable service. At Comcast/Time Warner, we care deeply about those concerns, and, to help allay them, here are some answers to the Frequently Asked Questions (F.A.Q.s) we have received since the merger was announced.
Q: How will the merger affect the price of my cable service?
A: There is no clear answer to that. But we will be introducing financing options, roughly similar to those that enabled you to attend college.
Q: Will there be any adverse impact on customer service?
A: A technician will be at your home between the hours of eight and never.
Q: How frequently will you turn off the Internet, and are you going to deliberately crush Netflix by making it impossible to stream its movies?
A: Often and probably.
Q: I am a current Time Warner subscriber. Who will be handling customer complaints, Comcast or Time Warner?
A: Please address all complaints to Comcast/Time Warner Customer Service, 666 Noonethere Lane, Abysstown, U.S.A.
Q: I have been on hold for the past hour, and no one seems to be picking up. How long can I expect to wait?
A: Due to concern about the merger, we are experiencing longer-than-expected wait times. In the meantime, eat me.
Sincerely,
Comcast/Time Warner Cable
Photograph by Twins/Fstop/Corbis.

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