NSA director Keith Alexander. (photo: Win McNamee/Getty Images)
30 October 13
The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."
esponding
to the firestorm of controversy over its spying on European allies, the
head of the National Security Agency said today it would do everything
in its power to avoid being caught doing it in the future.
"There are two important jobs for every spy agency:
spying on people and avoiding detection," said the N.S.A. chief General
Keith Alexander. "Unfortunately, at the N.S.A. we have only done the
first job well."
"We have abused the trust of some of our closest
allies," he said. "And none of this would have happened if they hadn't
found out."
General Alexander said that the agency was instituting
strict new practices that amounted to "a zero-tolerance policy on
getting caught."
"I had a meeting with my top people today and said, 'I
want you to put the same energy you put into spying on Germany, France,
and Spain into keeping them from figuring out what we're up to,'" he
said. "'Anything less than that will be unacceptable.'"
General Alexander also offered a heartfelt apology to
German Chancellor Angela Merkel, a prime target of the agency's
eavesdropping. "I know how upsetting it must be for you to know that
your closest ally has been listening in on your phone conversations for
the past eleven years," he said. "I give you my solemn promise that in
the future you won't know."
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