Billionaire Acquires Rubio Pending Physical

Senator Marco Rubio. (photo: marcorubio.com)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

01 November 15

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

n the biggest free-agency acquisition of the 2016 Presidential contest, the billionaire investor Paul Singer has acquired Florida senator Marco Rubio for a rumored eight-figure sum, pending a physical.

Just hours after the deal was inked, Rubio was flown by private jet to Singer’s training facility in East Hampton, where the senator will submit to a series of gruelling drills before the deal is finalized.

“We are making a four-year deal with Marco, with an option for another four,” an associate of Singer’s said. “We like what we’ve seen of him on tape, but we want to be sure that he has what it takes to go the distance.”

According to those familiar with Singer’s physical workouts for political candidates, Rubio will submit to a number of demanding tests, in which the billionaire will bark commands and the senator will be measured for his reaction times and accuracy.

“You have to be in peak condition for these workouts,” the associate said. “Jeb got totally winded.”

Arriving at Singer’s training camp, Rubio said he was “excited and honored” to be a part of the Singer organization.

“I talked to a lot of other billionaires,” he told reporters. “Sheldon Adelson, and the Koch brothers, of course. But at the end of the day Mr. Singer’s scheme was the best fit. I’m looking forward to earning every dollar he paid for me.”