Queen Accepts Scotland's Apology

Queen Elizabeth II. (photo: Lewis Whyld/WPA/Getty Images)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

21 September 14

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report.

n the aftermath of Scotland’s “no” vote in the referendum on becoming an independent country, Queen Elizabeth II, of Great Britain, took to the airwaves on Friday morning to inform the people of Scotland that she “graciously and wholeheartedly” accepted their apology.

“Although the matter of independence has been settled, one question remains very much open,” she said in an address televised across Scotland. “And my answer to that question is this: yes, I forgive you.”

The Queen made only scant reference to her obscenity-laden tirade on Thursday, in which she reamed the Scots for even considering breaking away from the United Kingdom.

“Like any parent with a naughty child, I became a little cross,” she said. “I forgive you for provoking me.”

The Queen ended Friday’s address to the Scottish people on a conciliatory note. “Let us all, each and every one of us, move forward now as one great nation, enjoying the benefits and the history of our glorious and historic union,” she said. “Even the forty-five percent of you who are wankers.”

September 18, 2014

Queen Rips “Scottish Bastards” in Angry Televised Address

By Andy Borowitz

Credit PHOTOGRAPH BY MAX MUMBY/INDIGO/GETTY

LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—In an eleventh-hour development that could have an unpredictable effect on the vote to determine Scottish independence, Queen Elizabeth II took to the British airwaves on Thursday to excoriate the Scots in a one-hour, profanity-laden tirade.
The Queen’s speech began with the phrase “Listen, you Scottish bastards,” and became steadily saltier as the monarch blasted her subjects for having the impudence to consider leaving the fold.

“I’ll make you heel like a litter of [Anglo-Saxon vulgarity] corgis,” she said, as her rage reached a crescendo.
After the speech, British Prime Minister David Cameron made a desperate attempt at damage control, hoping to distance himself from the Queen’s paint-peeling rant.
“The views of Her Majesty the Queen are her own,” he said in a hastily prepared statement. “Neither I nor my government consider the people of Scotland ‘bloody wanker