February 14, 2014
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In what observers are calling the largest merger ever between two species of mammal capable of mauling humans to death, polar bears and grizzly bears announced on Friday that they were joining forces in a friendly acquisition.
If the merger goes through, the polar bears and
grizzly bears would together be able to terrorize a much larger
landmass than ever before, experts said.
Speaking at a packed press conference in New York accompanied by their investment bankers from Goldman Sachs, the jubilant bears gave their spin on the unprecedented deal.
“To say that we’re excited would be an understatement,” said a spokesman for the grizzlies. “For years, we’ve admired the way polar bears have dismembered hikers who’ve encroached on their territory. To be on the same team with talent like that—whoa. It’s a dream come true.”
While critics of the merger have argued that it is anticompetitive, a spokesman for the polar bears disagreed.
“I think working with the grizzlies is just going to push us to savage more human flesh than ever before. Speaking for myself, I’m ready to start mauling,” he said, underscoring his point by eating a reporter.
The merger is not expected to face regulatory hurdles.
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Photograph by Steven Mullensky/Corbis.
Speaking at a packed press conference in New York accompanied by their investment bankers from Goldman Sachs, the jubilant bears gave their spin on the unprecedented deal.
“To say that we’re excited would be an understatement,” said a spokesman for the grizzlies. “For years, we’ve admired the way polar bears have dismembered hikers who’ve encroached on their territory. To be on the same team with talent like that—whoa. It’s a dream come true.”
While critics of the merger have argued that it is anticompetitive, a spokesman for the polar bears disagreed.
“I think working with the grizzlies is just going to push us to savage more human flesh than ever before. Speaking for myself, I’m ready to start mauling,” he said, underscoring his point by eating a reporter.
The merger is not expected to face regulatory hurdles.
Get the Borowitz Report delivered to your inbox.
Photograph by Steven Mullensky/Corbis.
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