by Paul Rudnick January 27, 2014
1. True or false: The map of New Jersey resembles a policeman, and if you look closely you can see his cap and his profile.
Answer: False. The map of New Jersey resembles a corrupt policeman, and if you look closely you can see the brand-new hot tub in his back yard, his place in the Bahamas, and his wife’s new implants.
2. What should Teresa Giudice, the Real Housewife of New Jersey who’s been indicted for financial fraud, blame her troubles on?
(a) Her unnaturally low hairline.
(b) Whoever told her that Tuscan-style kitchens are ever a good idea.
(c) The fact that, according to her blog, she once visited a Florida steak house where “they give you a personalized ‘love bone’ with your name carved in it. So good!”
3. Why has the city of Secaucus been called the Pig Capital of the World?
(a) It was once the site of many hog farms and rendering plants.
(b) The title the Steaming Entrails Capital was already taken, by Bayonne.
(c) Have you ever been to a Secaucus prom?
4. True or false: There is a famous New Jersey shopping center called the Bergen Mall. When Candice Bergen married the French filmmaker Louis Malle, she became Candice Bergen Malle.
Answer: True. And if you go to the Bergen Mall you can buy a wide variety of animal-print fleece-covered neck pillows, maybe at a kiosk called In the Neck.
5. The slogan of New Jersey’s capital, which appears in glowing letters on one of the city’s bridges, is “Trenton Makes, the World Takes.” What were the three runners-up?
(a) “Trenton Pees, the World Sees.”
(b) “Trenton Poops, the World Scoops.”
(c) “If You Lived in Trenton, You’d Be Home Now So You Could Kill Yourself.”
6. The past three elected New Jersey governors have all broken their legs while in office. James McGreevey, the state’s proud gay American governor, broke his while strolling on a Cape May beach. How will Chris Christie break his leg?
(a) Kicking one of his aides.
(b) Running from a subpoena.
(c) Putting on his pants.
7. New Jersey license plates bear the motto “The Garden State.” What are some other options?
(a) “Shut Up.”
(b) “Fuck You.”
(c) “Oh, Like Everyone in North Dakota Is Thin.”
(d) “Land of 1,000 Filthy Turnpike Rest Rooms.”
(e) “For $1,500, You Can Own Camden.”
8. A headline on Gawker read, “Everybody in New Jersey Was Arrested Today.” If this were to be the first line of a new official state song, who should sing it?
(a) Bruce Springsteen, because then it would be gritty, heartbreaking, and a brushstroke in the American songscape.
(b) Jon Bon Jovi, because then people from New Jersey would actually enjoy it.
(c) A children’s choir composed of kids whose parents have been convicted of money laundering.
9. Many New Jersey towns have Native American names, including Ho-Ho-Kus, Lake Hopatcong, and Piscataway. Why do relatively few Native Americans live in New Jersey?
(a) Because they’re offended by the odor of burning tires around Elizabeth (which is a town, not a Real Housewife).
(b) Because they’re offended that, in New Jersey, Cinnabons have the legal right to vote.
(c) Because they’re offended that, in New Jersey, Chuck E. Cheese’s has been granted tax-exempt status, as a church.
10. Many of the cast members of “Jersey Shore” weren’t actually from New Jersey. What would constitute a more accurate New Jersey reality show?
(a) A reunion of all the staff members Chris Christie has fired.
(b) A reunion of all the Democratic officeholders Chris Christie has sabotaged.
(c) Five million girls named Deb, Angie, or Tiff.
(d) A group of perfectly nice, hardworking, educated people who just happen to live in New Jersey, under assumed names.
11. When “The Sopranos” aired, many Italian-American organizations protested, claiming that the show defamed Italian-Americans from New Jersey. How could Tony Soprano have been more sensitive to their concerns?
(a) If, after he strangled someone, he’d said, “By the way, I’m half Polish.”
(b) If, while he was cheating on his wife with a stripper, he’d done it in Connecticut.
(c) If his name had been Timmy Soprano.
12. The state seal of New Jersey features a horse’s head, three plows, Ceres (the Roman goddess of agriculture), and a female figure personifying Liberty. What should be added?
(a) A condom with a hole in it.
(b) A gun with the serial number sanded off.
(c) A traffic cone.
(d) Ceres and Liberty pouring beer down each other’s halter top. ♦
Answer: False. The map of New Jersey resembles a corrupt policeman, and if you look closely you can see the brand-new hot tub in his back yard, his place in the Bahamas, and his wife’s new implants.
2. What should Teresa Giudice, the Real Housewife of New Jersey who’s been indicted for financial fraud, blame her troubles on?
(a) Her unnaturally low hairline.
(b) Whoever told her that Tuscan-style kitchens are ever a good idea.
(c) The fact that, according to her blog, she once visited a Florida steak house where “they give you a personalized ‘love bone’ with your name carved in it. So good!”
3. Why has the city of Secaucus been called the Pig Capital of the World?
(a) It was once the site of many hog farms and rendering plants.
(b) The title the Steaming Entrails Capital was already taken, by Bayonne.
(c) Have you ever been to a Secaucus prom?
4. True or false: There is a famous New Jersey shopping center called the Bergen Mall. When Candice Bergen married the French filmmaker Louis Malle, she became Candice Bergen Malle.
Answer: True. And if you go to the Bergen Mall you can buy a wide variety of animal-print fleece-covered neck pillows, maybe at a kiosk called In the Neck.
5. The slogan of New Jersey’s capital, which appears in glowing letters on one of the city’s bridges, is “Trenton Makes, the World Takes.” What were the three runners-up?
(a) “Trenton Pees, the World Sees.”
(b) “Trenton Poops, the World Scoops.”
(c) “If You Lived in Trenton, You’d Be Home Now So You Could Kill Yourself.”
6. The past three elected New Jersey governors have all broken their legs while in office. James McGreevey, the state’s proud gay American governor, broke his while strolling on a Cape May beach. How will Chris Christie break his leg?
(a) Kicking one of his aides.
(b) Running from a subpoena.
(c) Putting on his pants.
7. New Jersey license plates bear the motto “The Garden State.” What are some other options?
(a) “Shut Up.”
(b) “Fuck You.”
(c) “Oh, Like Everyone in North Dakota Is Thin.”
(d) “Land of 1,000 Filthy Turnpike Rest Rooms.”
(e) “For $1,500, You Can Own Camden.”
8. A headline on Gawker read, “Everybody in New Jersey Was Arrested Today.” If this were to be the first line of a new official state song, who should sing it?
(a) Bruce Springsteen, because then it would be gritty, heartbreaking, and a brushstroke in the American songscape.
(b) Jon Bon Jovi, because then people from New Jersey would actually enjoy it.
(c) A children’s choir composed of kids whose parents have been convicted of money laundering.
9. Many New Jersey towns have Native American names, including Ho-Ho-Kus, Lake Hopatcong, and Piscataway. Why do relatively few Native Americans live in New Jersey?
(a) Because they’re offended by the odor of burning tires around Elizabeth (which is a town, not a Real Housewife).
(b) Because they’re offended that, in New Jersey, Cinnabons have the legal right to vote.
(c) Because they’re offended that, in New Jersey, Chuck E. Cheese’s has been granted tax-exempt status, as a church.
10. Many of the cast members of “Jersey Shore” weren’t actually from New Jersey. What would constitute a more accurate New Jersey reality show?
(a) A reunion of all the staff members Chris Christie has fired.
(b) A reunion of all the Democratic officeholders Chris Christie has sabotaged.
(c) Five million girls named Deb, Angie, or Tiff.
(d) A group of perfectly nice, hardworking, educated people who just happen to live in New Jersey, under assumed names.
11. When “The Sopranos” aired, many Italian-American organizations protested, claiming that the show defamed Italian-Americans from New Jersey. How could Tony Soprano have been more sensitive to their concerns?
(a) If, after he strangled someone, he’d said, “By the way, I’m half Polish.”
(b) If, while he was cheating on his wife with a stripper, he’d done it in Connecticut.
(c) If his name had been Timmy Soprano.
12. The state seal of New Jersey features a horse’s head, three plows, Ceres (the Roman goddess of agriculture), and a female figure personifying Liberty. What should be added?
(a) A condom with a hole in it.
(b) A gun with the serial number sanded off.
(c) A traffic cone.
(d) Ceres and Liberty pouring beer down each other’s halter top. ♦
No comments:
Post a Comment