Republicans Shut Down Prefrontal Cortex

Speaker of the House John Boehner. (photo: Susan Walsh/AP)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

09 October 13

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

n an escalation of the stalemate gripping Washington, House Republicans voted today to shut down the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that controls reasoning and impulses.

The resolution, which passed with heavy Tea Party support, calls for a partial shutdown of the brain, leaving the medulla and cerebellum, sometimes referred to as the "reptilian brain," up and running.

The Tea Party caucus cheered the passage of the bill, which was sponsored by Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, who called the measure "long overdue."

House Speaker John Boehner (R., Ohio) offered no timetable for restarting the prefrontal cortex, telling reporters, "It will most certainly remain shut down during any negotiations with the President. That's the only leverage we have."

Representative Bachmann agreed: "The President can go ahead and put a gun to our heads. There's nothing there."

While the G.O.P.'s decision to shut down the prefrontal cortex rattled Wall Street, the neuroscientist Davis Logsdon said it should be seen as little more than a symbolic vote, noting, "It's actually been shut down since the 2008 election."

 

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+51 # pernsey 2013-10-09 14:46

Hahahaha the brain dead Teaparty/GOP... the longer this nonsense plays out the more of my republican friends are finding their prefrontal cortex's LOL!!! The GOP are losing ground with people...they arent blaming Obama anymore, so their brainwashing tactics are back firing on them, now only the craziest of the crazy are still backing the Teabaglicans. I know this is meant to be satire, but yet again its more true then not.

 

 

+2 # bingers 2013-10-09 20:15

Orange is the new skidmark.

 

 

+3 # keenon the truth 2013-10-09 21:05

I really laughed out LOUD just at the headline!!!! So funny. So sad, too.

 

 

+3 # Milarepa 2013-10-09 22:10

Wonderful stuff, Andy!

 

 

+4 # Aaron Tovish 2013-10-09 22:20

So now it might be more appropriate to call them the "Reptilian Party."

 

 

+3 # unitedwestand 2013-10-09 22:41

This satire hits the mark. The face of the Teabapublican is Michelle Bachman? What a farce they all are. Give us some old time Republicans then maybe we can listen to them.

It is a shame to see the Grand Old Party making such a**es of themselves. It is criminal that their actions are destroying the very core of American life. So SHAME ON THE TEAPUBLICANS!

 

 

+1 # sapereaudeprime 2013-10-10 02:40

Too close to the truth. But very funny.

 

 

+1 # Trish42 2013-10-10 04:30

LOL, how could we get through this without humor. I don't know, but if you're curious, ask a member of the tea party; they never have had any....

 

 

+1 # FIRSTNORN1 2013-10-10 04:41

Great comment, pernsey; let's all hope and pray that Obama will be 100% firm and not give in to these idiot "Teabaglicans" even 1/1000th of an inch. Ever since his election in 2008, the Repuglicans have tried to destroy him and now, perhaps, some chickens are coming home to roost.

 

 

+2 # fredboy 2013-10-10 05:29

Silly Andy:

Republicans don't HAVE a prefrontal cortex!

 

 

+2 # Billy Bob 2013-10-10 05:37

Once again, Republicans are only shutting down the portion that they don't believe should exist anyway. It's a win win for them.

 

 

0 # Merschrod 2013-10-10 05:44

There certainly has be arcing at the synapses, and also some blockage between the process part and the kneejerk parts of the reflexive parts - forget the idea of a sympathetic nervous system. Sort of like those cruel frog experiments. In their amphibian-sort of state, then, they can't help feel the heating going up. That is bad b/c some politicos call for turning up the heat on those loosers. When that pot boils over, just be prepared to mop up and clean the stove.

Wait! Isn't that what Obama was supposed to do? Clean up the mess left by the shrub's sloppy crew.

 

 

+1 # walt 2013-10-10 06:13

While Borowitz writes satire, I still find this article totally plausible!

This line, in particular, tells me it's must be true:

"The President can go ahead and put a gun to our heads. There's nothing there."

Definitely. "Nothing there!"