GOP: Americans don't need healthcare. (photo: unknown)
01 October 13
The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."
illions
of Tea Party loyalists fled the United States in the early morning
hours today, seeking what one of them called "the American dream of
liberty from health care."
Harland Dorrinson, 47, a tire salesman from Lexington,
Kentucky, packed up his family and whatever belongings he could fit
into his Chevy Suburban just hours before the health-insurance exchanges
opened, joining the Tea Party's Freedom Caravan with one goal in mind:
escape from Obamacare.
"My father didn't have health care and neither did my
father's father before him," he said. "I'll be damned if I'm going to
let my children have it."
But after driving over ten hours to the Canadian
border, Mr. Dorrinson was dismayed to learn that America's northern
neighbor had been in the iron grip of health care for decades.
"The border guard was so calm when he told me, as if
it was the most normal thing in the world," he said. "It's like he was
brainwashed by health care."
Turning away from Canada, Mr. Dorrinson joined a
procession of Tea Party cars heading south to Mexico, noting, "They may
have drug cartels and narcoterrorism down there, but at least they've
kept health care out."
Mr. Dorrinson was halfway to the southern border
before he heard through the Tea Party grapevine that Mexico, too, has
public health care, as do Great Britain, Japan, Turkey, Spain, Belgium,
New Zealand, Slovenia, and dozens of other countries to which he had
considered fleeing.
Undaunted, Mr. Dorrinson said he had begun looking
into additional countries, like Chad and North Korea, but he expressed
astonishment at a world seemingly overrun by health care.
"It turns out that the United States is one of the
last countries on earth to get it," he said. "It makes me proud to be an
American."
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