Interim CIA Director Assures Nation He Engages In No Sexual Activity Whatsoever
WASHINGTON—Following the resignation of CIA director David
Petraeus amid recent reports of marital infidelity, current acting
director Michael Morell assured Americans Monday that he does not engage
in any form of sexual activity whatsoever. “Under no circumstances do I
ever take part in sexual acts
of any kind, nor do I desire to, nor have I ever deemed this activity
necessary in any way,” Morell told reporters at a press conference,
explaining that his genitals are “solely for excreting urine and
absolutely nothing else.” “I have never had sex in the past, I am not
having sex now, and I guarantee I will never have sex in the future, be
it for pleasure, procreation, or any other purpose. Indeed, I am a fully
asexual being who possesses neither the need nor the inclination for
sexual intercourse.” Morell then stared unblinkingly at the assembled
press corps for a full five minutes.
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