Tearful Mitt Romney Announces He Has Rare Disease Where You Can't Sit Quietly On Stool When Repeatedly Asked To
HEMPSTEAD, NY—Highly emotional in the wake of last night’s
town-hall-style debate, a tearful Mitt Romney called a press conference
this morning to “come clean” about having a rare, little-understood
disease known as Shuttlesworth Syndrome, a condition that prevents its
victims from sitting quietly on stools anytime they are repeatedly told
to do so. “As a sufferer of this rare disorder, being told to sit down
and shut up—particularly when a stool is involved—only provokes in my
central nervous system a violent overreaction that forces me to behave
in the exact opposite manner,” Romney told reporters, his voice cracking
with emotion as he revealed his secret to the world. “Without meaning
to, I reflexively stand up, stride forward, and continue trying to
speak—doing so even, and especially, when one or more people are
instructing me to stop talking immediately and go back to my stool. It
is a truly debilitating condition that I have battled all my life.”
Romney said additional symptoms of the syndrome include an inability to
maintain a convincing human smile, inexplicable reversals of previously
stated policy positions, and an impaired ability to chuckle without
sounding like a deranged maniac.
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