Biden to Decide on 2016 Bid by Early 2017

Vice President Joe Biden. (photo: Sun Sentinel)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

17 October 15

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

ice-President Joe Biden will make a decision on whether to enter the 2016 Presidential race by early 2017, a close associate told supporters on Friday.

In an e-mail sent to potential donors, the former Senator Ted Kaufman, a longtime friend and confidant of the Vice-President, wrote that “Joe is still trying to sort things out,” but promised that his decision will come “no later than January, 2017.”

“Joe is trying to decide whether running for President is a good idea, or, conversely, whether it is a bad idea,” Kaufman wrote. “He is very grateful to all of you for your patience as he works through this process, and he promises that he’ll have big news for you by next January.”

“My message to you today is, hang in there,” he wrote.

Kaufman acknowledged that deciding to run for President a full two months after the election “would complicate Joe’s path to the White House,” but promised, “If, in January, Joe decides he’s in, he will be all in. And we hope you’ll be with him.”

 

Kevin McCarthy Enters Rehab After Admitting Struggles With Nouns, Verbs

House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy. (photo: Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty)

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

09 October 15

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

ouse Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy has entered rehab to deal with his “struggles with nouns and verbs,” an aide to the congressman has confirmed.

According to the aide, McCarthy abruptly dropped out of the race for Speaker of the House because his difficulties with those two parts of speech had “spiralled out of control.”

“There was an intervention, in which people who care about the congressman sat him down and showed him video of himself talking,” the aide said. “He agreed that he needed help, although it took people awhile to realize that’s what he was trying to say.”

A source familiar with McCarthy’s struggles, however, cast doubt on that official story. “It’s not just nouns and verbs,” the source said. “It’s adjectives, adverbs, and pronouns. Kevin’s going to be in rehab for awhile.”

In a brief statement to reporters, McCarthy offered a blunt assessment of his situation. “It bad,” he said. “But soon it be less badder.”

 

Pope Met With People Who Refuse to Do Jobs

Pope Francis. (photo: Christopher Furlong/Getty Images)

By Andy Borowitz, New Yorker

03 October 15

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

he Vatican has confirmed that while Pope Francis was in Washington, he had meetings with people who refuse to do their jobs.

The Pope met privately with the Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, and also met at the U.S. Capitol with several hundred other people who have chosen not to perform their duties, the Vatican said.

“Reporting every day to a job that one has no intention of doing can only fill one with anguish,” the official Vatican statement read. “The Pope wanted to show these people compassion.”

While in Washington, the Pope had hoped to meet with thousands of additional people who do not do their jobs, but there “wasn’t enough time,” the Vatican said.